I know I’m way behind blogging…and I’m working on a few blogs to catch up the summer (yes, Beckie, I’ve actually been working on itJ!)…but in the meantime, I want to record some thoughts…
I dropped Benjamin off for his first day of grade 3 this morning…his first day of public school. First of all I can’t believe I forgot to take a picture of him…so that will come. When we made this decision in April I had complete confidence that this is what God wanted for us right now. Now as I’m struggling with letting him go, I’m trusting that God has us here for a reason. I need to write what I’m feeling because that’s how I process my thoughts…but it’s all a jumbled mess in my head right now, so you’ll have to forgive me if it makes no sense.
I just feel so torn between 2 worlds. I’m now trapped between the people who completely disagree with homeschooling & say “what about socialization?” & those who are completely against public school. I’ve never been either of those…ever since I started homeschooling Benjamin I’ve always said I have nothing against people who put their kids in public school…it’s a personal decision for many different reasons. I’m very thankful to have found some friends (homeschoolers & not) who feel the same way…we accept each others decision for schooling our kids & can just be friends. I’ve met too many others though that from either side, look down on the other, as if they’re doing it wrong. Now I feel like I’m caught in the middle of them all…and I’m thankful I have friends who are OK with thatJ.
I’m so happy that Benjamin is so excited for the year…I know that it’ll be good for the 2 of us to have a little break from each other…I’m not sure how to plan field trips with Manda & Kirby – it just isn’t right to go without Benjamin…I’m happy for him to have the opportunity to do some things in school that I couldn’t offer to him…I hate waking kids up in the morning…now Manda & Kirby can’t even sleep & have that benefit of homeschooling because we have to take him to school…I’m glad I will have a chance to focus on Manda & Kirby…I really want him to be able to get to know some kids his age & make some friends…I already miss the flexibility of homeschooling…yet I’m looking forward to some routine… It’ll be nice for me to have a bit of a break to relieve my stress a little. I’m not looking forward to having to do school till the end of June…I’m glad he has a couple of kids in his class that he already knows…as much as his constant chatter drives me crazy some days, I’m going to miss having him to talk to…I read a thought on a friends blog that made so much sense…it feels like a part of me is missing…Benjamin has been with me nearly constantly since the day he was born & now suddenly he’s gone…suddenly I’m not the one he’s with most of the day…he has so many people around him who can influence him…for better or for worse…
Lord, I pray that Benjamin won’t pick up bad attitudes from other kids…I pray that he can be a light for Jesus to his classmates & teachers…that simply by who he is & how he lives, they would see You in him…I pray that I could appreciate this opportunity to spend time with Manda & Kirby…I pray that his teachers will be understanding & patient…I pray that he could make friends quickly & wouldn’t get teased…I pray that God would give me peace again…God doesn’t change…I know He led us to this place…I pray that he could learn lots…not just academically…but that he could take all that he hears & learn from it…especially the things they teach that we don’t agree with…Jesus give Benjamin a discerning heart to know when something isn’t right…I pray that he could find a really good Christian friend…I pray that he would grown into a confident young man…Jesus help him to be confident in what he believes & who he is…help him to be willing to stand up for himself & say what he knows is right…
Lord, thank you for Benjamin’s excitement to go to school this morning. Thank you for making it so clear to me that this is where You want us right now. Please give me a renewed sense of peace about that now. Please help me to find a balance between waiting to do things till he’s with us…and doing things with only Manda & Kirby. Help me not to feel guilty about that. Give us wisdom in encouraging Benjamin & teaching him to stand up for what he believes. Jesus, protect his heart…do not allow Satan to get a foothold in his life…through bad influences or wrong teaching…help him to KNOW without a doubt, the truth & be willing to stand for it. Give Benjamin self confidence Lord. Help him to know how precious he is in Your eyes. Thank you Jesus that I can look to you right now. Thank you that I can be absolutely certain that You are with Benjamin at school right now, even though I can’t be.
2 comments:
Yay! You blogged!
I'm anxious to know how today went for both you and Benjamin! Prayed for you both... Will keep praying that God will give you peace about your decision and that He will show you how to balance your time and enjoy your time with Amanda & Kirby.
You've got 3 wonderful kids, Heidi! Benjamin is smart as a tack... God will be faithful to give him the wisdom he needs to separate truth from the world's lies.
Remember that you aren't going to change anything by worrying about this. Put it in God's hands and trust that since you truly sought His will, He will bless you and your family for taking this step in faith.
Love you!
Heidi- It was good to read your thoughts about school. I remember feeling just as jumbled the first week. Joe and I have always wanted our kids to go to public school and you are right, the reasons are many and are complicated. But we know this is best for them right now. I myself was home-schooled and I personally did much better once I was in school with other kids, and I carry those experiences with me and they shape how I parent. Joe went to a private Christian school till he graduated from high school. It was a good education, missing some crucial elements, but overall much like any other school. (I sense I may be rambling...) But I hope you feel better about it. I love seeing Geneva respond to the challenge of being away from Mom. She learns so many things every day that I could never teach her. And she loves school. :) Also, the time at home with the younger two is precious, something neither of them have had since birth. Although I am finding myself busier with one kid away at school than I was before. Perhaps it's that loss of flexibility you talked about. But the schedule is nice too. OK, I will stop rambling... :)
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