A Little Update & Some Thoughts

I know it’s been much too long since I wrote...but I don’t think I’m even going to apologizeJ.  Feeling guilty won’t make me write more...so I’m just going to enjoy this opportunity to write again.  I’ve been kept very busy with being a mom, doing bookwork, running a household...and homeschooling.  This year has been a bit more of an adjustment than I expected.  Suddenly teaching all 3 kids & needing to keep them all busy has definitely pushed my ability to multi taskJ.  I am however, thoroughly enjoying it.  Having my kids home & being able to be a part in those everyday parts of their lives...I just love itJ. 

Did you grow up giving up something for lent?  Or maybe seeing your parents do that each year?  I didn’t.  I don’t remember ever hearing about it or...once I did hear about it...understanding what it was...until sometime after we got married.  I’m not saying that’s a bad thing...that’s just not something that was a part of our family.  Or maybe it was & I totally don’t remember!  At first I only understood it to be a Catholic tradition & didn’t think much of it.  In the last few years I’ve come to realize that many Christians use lent as way to draw closer to God.  No, it’s not Biblical, but I really like the idea of giving something up in order to focus on my relationship with Him.  I never knew how people knew when lent started...and I would only hear about it the day it was starting.  In my mind I used that as an excuse not to do it the last couple of years.  Really there’s no reason I couldn’t have started a day or two late!  Anyway...all that to say that I’m going to do it this year...and I’m really excited about it.

I’ve been thinking for a while now that I wanted to deepen my relationship with the Lord...but have felt kind of lost as to how to go about it.  Or maybe I just felt like I didn’t have motivation.  I know that sounds terrible.  If He’s #1 in my life then He should be motivation enough.  I know that...and I guess that’s why I knew something needed to change.  I just wasn’t sure how to go about it.  I also feel strongly that I haven’t been setting a very good example for the kids.  Not that I’ve been doing anything terrible...it’s more what I haven’t been doing.  How am I supposed to pass on to them a passionate love for Jesus...if they never see that in me?  Benjamin is already 9 (yikes!)...and they say that we only have till they’re 12 to really influence them...till they start looking at all the “options” & weighing them out themselves.  That means I only have 3 more years...double yikes!  So what kind of view of a relationship with Jesus will Benjamin have?  What have I passed on to him (& the other kids)?  Yes we do devotions together (although I have to admit it’s not always daily), yes we pray together daily, yes we have many, many God related discussions (one of my favorite parts of homeschooling)...but really what have I shown them about what it really means to have a RELATIONSHIP with JESUS CHRIST?? 

This is something I’ve been pondering & wrestling with for a few months now...but it hit home again on Sunday.  Pastor Kent has been preaching through a series called “Not a Fan”.  In a nutshell it’s about the difference between being a fan & a follower of Jesus.  It’s easy to be a fan...but I want to be a follower.  In the video clip he showed on Sunday it talked of a father whose daughter had walked away from her faith.  The father wasn’t asking “why”?  Instead he made this statement, “We raised her in the church, but we didn’t raise her in Christ.”  This statement put into words what I’ve been feeling the last few months.  Yes our kids go to church nearly every Sunday & we do all that other stuff...but how on earth do we truly teach them who Jesus is & what it means to have a real relationship with Him?  If you’re hoping for an answer you’re in the wrong placeJ.  I definitely don’t have one.  But I do know what I’m going to do to start.

The kids & I will be doing lent together this year.  It’ll be a first for all of us & I pray that we can all learn something from it.  Based on some online research & what my “gut” says I’m going to break up the time for the kids.  40 days is a long time for kids to give up one thing...and I think would be setting them up for failure.  So we’re going to break it up into 10 day segments, giving up something different each 10 days.  I haven’t figured out just how we’ll arrange it yet, but sweets & screen time will be in the mix.  In order to do somewhat the same thing as them so that they don’t feel like I’m asking something of them that I won’t do...I’m going to give up 2 things.  I know it’s a big step from never having done lent before...but I really feel God asking me to do this.  I’m going to give up sweets...and I’m going to give up my “during the day” facebook time.  That may seem half hearted...not to give up facebook altogether...but it’s really a huge sacrifice for me.  Since I’m home all day with the kids, I’m quite used to checking facebook 15-20 times a day.  I won’t be on for long, but I’m on often.  Anytime I sit down at the computer to look something up for the kids, I check facebook.  So I’m going to limit myself to once a day for a maximum of 20 minutes.  This will allow me to stay in touch with numerous family members who live across the province, the country & the world...but will still be a big sacrifice for me.

Why?  What’s the purpose for all this?  First & foremost because I feel God leading me to.  I pray that God will use this time to bring me & my kids closer to Him & to each otehr.  I want to be purposeful about using that extra time to spend time with Him.  I want to spend daily time reading the Bible with my kids.  I want to seek Him about how to make Jesus real to my kids.  I want to start thinking about the meaning of Easter now instead of waiting till 2 days before & then trying to make it meaningful for the kids. 

So why am I telling you all about it?  Well, I’m hoping that you can help hold me accountable.  Ask me how it’s going.  What we’re learning.  Let me know your thoughts!  Offer any advice you may have.  Maybe it could even be an encouragement for you to give up something of your own.  Not because it’s “lent”...but because you want to deepen your relationship with Jesus!

Side note:  Did you know that if you actually count the calendar days, lent lasts for 47 days?  I never knew (I’ve never counted) till I was researching last night.  It’s 40 days not including the Sundays.  The Sundays are supposed to be a break from the fasting because that’s the day we celebrate Jesus’ resurrection.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with that yet.  In one way I can see it being nice to have that “break” from the fast...but it would also make it really easy to “over-indulge” on that day...then again maybe that would help prevent over-indulging at the end of the 40 days.  Like I said I don’t know, but I’m not worried about it.  Like I said, this isn’t Biblical.  It’s a choice I’m making to draw closer to my Lord...so we’ll deal with that when the time is right.  I just thought it was an interesting tidbit of infoJ. 

I’ll leave it at that.  If you’re my friend on facebook & you don’t see me throughout the day you’ll know why.  Also, if you use facebook to get ahold of me throughout the day, you may want to email or phone instead if it’s something you need before the end of the day.  I’d love to know your thoughts on any of this!

Homeschool vs. Public

“Mommy, I’m starting to wish I was still homeschooling.”

Those words rocked my world last week. I’ve been struggling enough with this transition, but have always been thankful that at least Benjamin is enjoying school. Now how do I make it through this year? I know there are pros & cons to both homeschooling & public school. I know them…not just from hearing, but by experience. I have experienced the pros…of homeschooling…the freedom, the flexibility, the joy of seeing my kids play together…versus public…the relief of having one less to teach this year, the joy of seeing him get along with his peers & bring home new ideas. I’ve also experienced the cons…of homeschooling…the stress of planning & never getting a break…versus public…a tired child, always being rushed, no more spontenaity, the ache when he says how much he misses playing with Manda & Kirby & missing the day to day life lessons.

It’s been a struggle for me since day 1, but I firmly believe that God has us here for a reason this year. As far as next year…I have no idea. For now though, I will help Benjamin see the positives & remind myself of them often. We will get through this year…and be better for it…with God’s help. Thank you Lord that I can trust that you guided us in this school decision…and that you will be with us through it. Please help us all…the kids included…to know your peace about this even though it hasn’t been the easiest thing. Help us to be open to learn what it is you have to teach us through this. Help Benjamin to be a light for you to his classmates, his teachers & all the others he comes in contact with. Give us wisdom when the time comes to make decisions about next year.

Butterflies!

I mentioned a long while back about how we got caterpillars & watched them change to butterflies, but I wanted to post some pictures of the funJ. Enjoy!

Building the butterfly house...

The finished product with the caterpillar "vials" inside...

Attaching the cocoons to the top of the cage...

Butterfly very close to coming out of it's cocoon. If you look closely, you can see a lot of details of the butterfly...

Newly born?hatched?emerged? butterfly beside it's empty cocoon. This is only minutes after it emerged...it won't fly for an hour or two until it's wings dry out...

One of our butterflies...

At night they would often group in clusters like this to sleep...

All 8 of our butterflies (out of 11 caterpillars we started with) eating in the cage...

We kept the butterflies for about a week, hoping that they would lay eggs so we could do the whole cycle again. We managed to get LOTS of eggs...which became LOTS of miniature little caterpillars...we managed to get about 10 of them to be decent sized caterpillars...but only 2 or 3 that were nearly full grown. Unfortunately, they ended up dying before making cocoons. It was a lot harder having to find our own food for them (the first batch came with fake food in their vials). We found leaves that they would eat & cleaned out the container every day, but something went wrong somewhere along the line I guess. Anyways...it was fun to see the tiny little eggs & the eyelash sized caterpillars & how fast they grew to full size. These are the caterpillars just after they've hatched...

One day when I was taking pictues, I decided to try & pick up one of the butterflies...I ended up with 4 on my hand at once...Benjamin & Manda wanted to try too (Kirby didn't want to...scared??...)...Benjamin was happy to pick up one or two...

Manda wanted as many as she could...

She ended up with 5 out of 8...

Release day...most of them didn't actually fly out on their own, the kids got to pick them up & put them on a flower...

Saying goodbye...

Manda was sad to have to let them go. After we released them all she chased them around the yard & caught some again:).

Ups & Downs

That about sums up my life right now. Yesterday was tough…dropping Benjamin off for his first day of public school. Then I picked him up & he was sooooo excited…which helped me feel much better. I felt good dropping him off this morning…but was disappointed to find out he had a bit of a tougher day. The teachers are wonderful…no complaints there…and it wasn’t anything major either…but tough none the less for this mom who’s not used to this whole thing…yet at the same time it has made me so much more proud of him. He said it wasn’t as good a day because kid’s wouldn’t play with him at recess. It turns out that one of the kids was being a bit bossy…picking the games & not willing to do something else…and then cheating in the game. Well, as much as that’s not right…I can handle it. Frankly, that’s exactly one of the reasons that we decided to put Benjamin in school this year. We want him to learn to deal with these things...to stand up for himself & just be comfortable with who he is. I was able to have a great talk with him after school. We brainstormed together about ways he could deal with it. When I suggested that he could suggest his own game & if this person didn’t want to play that it’s OK for him to play his game with other people. His immediate comment…”but I don’t want to leave ---- out, like they’re doing to me”. Wow, we’ve got quite a kidJ. I’m so proud of him for recognizing that that could do the same thing to the other kid. Anyways…after some discussion I felt much better…and I think he did too. I asked him what we should pray about it & he asked that we pray for God to help him to talk about playing different games with ---- (be able to speak up)…and that he could be a friend even when ---- doesn’t play fair. Thanks Lord for the opportunity I’ve had in the last 2 days to have such good talks with Benjamin. Thank you for his willingness to learn & desire to follow You through all of this!!!

As a sidenote…about my post yesterday…I talked to my mom after I posted that & she said something that made so much sense & made me feel much better about the whole thing. I have to plan fun things with Manda & Kirby…without Benjamin there…otherwise they’ll feel like they aren’t important enough to do that stuff…Benjamin will come home with his stories of fun things…and what do they have to share about? So anyways…I’ll be planning stuff for just them…but will keep some things till his days off to do together. Like my mom said…they do a lot now with Andrew & Trina that I didn’t get to do when I was a teenager…but there was also a lot I got to do that they don’t. God gives us kids in different seasons of life & it helps to shape & mold who they become. Thanks MomJ.

So…I couldn’t believe it that I, of all people, forgot to take a picture of Benjamin on his first day of school! Ah well…the second day of school will have to doJ.

School

I know I’m way behind blogging…and I’m working on a few blogs to catch up the summer (yes, Beckie, I’ve actually been working on itJ!)…but in the meantime, I want to record some thoughts…

I dropped Benjamin off for his first day of grade 3 this morning…his first day of public school. First of all I can’t believe I forgot to take a picture of him…so that will come. When we made this decision in April I had complete confidence that this is what God wanted for us right now. Now as I’m struggling with letting him go, I’m trusting that God has us here for a reason. I need to write what I’m feeling because that’s how I process my thoughts…but it’s all a jumbled mess in my head right now, so you’ll have to forgive me if it makes no sense.

I just feel so torn between 2 worlds. I’m now trapped between the people who completely disagree with homeschooling & say “what about socialization?” & those who are completely against public school. I’ve never been either of those…ever since I started homeschooling Benjamin I’ve always said I have nothing against people who put their kids in public school…it’s a personal decision for many different reasons. I’m very thankful to have found some friends (homeschoolers & not) who feel the same way…we accept each others decision for schooling our kids & can just be friends. I’ve met too many others though that from either side, look down on the other, as if they’re doing it wrong. Now I feel like I’m caught in the middle of them all…and I’m thankful I have friends who are OK with thatJ.

I’m so happy that Benjamin is so excited for the year…I know that it’ll be good for the 2 of us to have a little break from each other…I’m not sure how to plan field trips with Manda & Kirby – it just isn’t right to go without Benjamin…I’m happy for him to have the opportunity to do some things in school that I couldn’t offer to him…I hate waking kids up in the morning…now Manda & Kirby can’t even sleep & have that benefit of homeschooling because we have to take him to school…I’m glad I will have a chance to focus on Manda & Kirby…I really want him to be able to get to know some kids his age & make some friends…I already miss the flexibility of homeschooling…yet I’m looking forward to some routine… It’ll be nice for me to have a bit of a break to relieve my stress a little. I’m not looking forward to having to do school till the end of June…I’m glad he has a couple of kids in his class that he already knows…as much as his constant chatter drives me crazy some days, I’m going to miss having him to talk to…I read a thought on a friends blog that made so much sense…it feels like a part of me is missing…Benjamin has been with me nearly constantly since the day he was born & now suddenly he’s gone…suddenly I’m not the one he’s with most of the day…he has so many people around him who can influence him…for better or for worse…

Lord, I pray that Benjamin won’t pick up bad attitudes from other kids…I pray that he can be a light for Jesus to his classmates & teachers…that simply by who he is & how he lives, they would see You in him…I pray that I could appreciate this opportunity to spend time with Manda & Kirby…I pray that his teachers will be understanding & patient…I pray that he could make friends quickly & wouldn’t get teased…I pray that God would give me peace again…God doesn’t change…I know He led us to this place…I pray that he could learn lots…not just academically…but that he could take all that he hears & learn from it…especially the things they teach that we don’t agree with…Jesus give Benjamin a discerning heart to know when something isn’t right…I pray that he could find a really good Christian friend…I pray that he would grown into a confident young man…Jesus help him to be confident in what he believes & who he is…help him to be willing to stand up for himself & say what he knows is right…

Lord, thank you for Benjamin’s excitement to go to school this morning. Thank you for making it so clear to me that this is where You want us right now. Please give me a renewed sense of peace about that now. Please help me to find a balance between waiting to do things till he’s with us…and doing things with only Manda & Kirby. Help me not to feel guilty about that. Give us wisdom in encouraging Benjamin & teaching him to stand up for what he believes. Jesus, protect his heart…do not allow Satan to get a foothold in his life…through bad influences or wrong teaching…help him to KNOW without a doubt, the truth & be willing to stand for it. Give Benjamin self confidence Lord. Help him to know how precious he is in Your eyes. Thank you Jesus that I can look to you right now. Thank you that I can be absolutely certain that You are with Benjamin at school right now, even though I can’t be.

Sunflowers & Caterpillars

A couple of things I forgot to mention in my “Mondays” post…

My mom planted some sunflowers with the kids a couple of weeks ago. They’ve been having a blast watching them grow & “tricking” them by turning them away from the window & seeing how they grow back toward it.

About 3 months ago I had the opportunity through our homeschool group, to order some caterpillars so that we could “grow” butterflies. It was so cheap I just couldn’t pass it up. Manda especially loves butterflies, but I knew all the kids would enjoy it. Last weekend Ben built us a butterfuly house…just a 1x2 frame with screen. We’ve had the caterpillars for just over 2 weeks now. They’re all in their cocoons now & hanging on the roof of the house. We’re excited to hopefully be able to see at least one of them when it’s coming out of the cocoon.

One other thing I keep forgetting to mention…I’ve been trying to get to the pool in the morning 3 days a week to do laps. It has felt really good to swim again & Ben has noticed a difference in my mood tooJ. Although I hate getting up early…once I’m in the pool I enjoy it…& I like coming home & starting the day at a good time. Lately I’ve been doing 40 laps which originally took me a half hour. This morning I cut 2 minutes off my time…I know it’s nothing to speak of, but it feels good to know that I’m making progress.

The Inner Battle

Two weeks ago I mentioned that Benjamin will go to school in the fall & promised more info. When Ben & I decided, nearly 3 years ago, that I would homeschool, we agreed from the start that we were going to take it a year at a time & see what God had in store. We both felt that most likely at some point the kids would go to school, but we weren’t sure when. Around the end of September, beginning of October I hit a wall. I had filled my plate too full & was an emotional wreck. A combination of starting a new kid’s program at our church, along with trying to teach Benjamin, do program with Amanda, run the office end of our business, & somewhere in there try to just be a mom & wife was too much. I wasn’t myself & it was wearing off on the kids...they acted out more & weren’t themselves either.

I knew something had to change, but at the time I wasn’t seeing the whole picture & how the kids were being affected. I’m so thankful that Ben saw what was happening. Once he brought that to my attention, we agreed that I needed to eliminate everything I was trying to do that was non-essential. We spent some time talking about what could go. I realized that there weren’t any big things that I could eliminate right away...it was just a bunch of small stuff that had added up. One thing we talked about though was that maybe next year Benjamin should go to school to give me a break. At first I agreed just because I knew that I physically couldn’t do it like that anymore. The more I thought about it though, the more peace I had about it. There were pros & cons, as there are to anything, but I felt OK with it. God gave me peace about giving up the pros of homeschooling & taking on the cons of public school.

As the year went on, things got better & better. We got a routine figured out with Kid Connection so that wasn’t nearly so stressful & Benjamin got into the swing of school again so that went more smoothly. I had eliminated a lot of little things & felt like I was doing OK. Between about the end of November & sometime in January or February I was feeling good about school. Benjamin was doing really well & I didn’t feel stressed out by it at all for the most part. I started to think that I could do it again in the fall just fine. In about March Ben & I talked about it again. I realized that although I had been trying to convince myself that I could do it, deep down, I knew I needed the break. Besides, that wasn’t the only reason we thought it would be good for Benjamin to go to school.

Benjamin relates to adults & younger kids very well, but he hasn’t had a lot of chance to meet & get to know kids his own age. There are only a couple of kids his age in our church & although we’ve kept him in swimming, hockey, & soccer, they don’t give the opportunity to really make friends because he doesn’t see them enough. We want him to have the chance to find someone he clicks with & can be buddies with, instead of just having to be friends with the one kid he’s around even if they don’t get along well. Anyways...that’s one reason. Secondly, Amanda’s program has also really taken a hit since September. I have done very little with her since September, which isn’t fair to her (she makes so much progress when she’s on program & I don’t want it to be my fault that she’s not moving ahead) & it’s also a waste of money (this program is worth every penny, but if I’m not doing it then it’s waste of a lot of money). I need to let Benjamin go to school so that I can focus on Amanda & really work at getting her program done & helping her catch up.

Deep down I knew all of this, but I was still trying to convince myself that I could do it. I really didn’t want to give up the things that I love so much about homeschooling. Ben & I agreed that I should just go talk to the vice principal (who goes to our church) to ask questions & see what our options were (I considered sending him to school part time & homeschooling part time). I put this meeting off for over a month...just dreading admitting to myself that the best thing was to send him to school. The longer I put it off the more it nagged at me...the more God was tugging at my heart, making it clear that I needed to just do it. At the same time though, the closer I got to going to that meeting, the more peace I had once again. By the time I met with Connie, God had made it clear to me that doing the half & half idea wasn’t an option...I needed to let go. I have the papers nearly filled out to register Benjamin and at the beginning of June him & I are going to sit in on a grade 2 class so that he can get an idea of what it’s like to be in the classroom so that he can be more prepared for the fall.

So there you go...that’s a little bit of what happened to bring us to this decision. God is good. There are still pros & cons...there always will be. I will miss the freedom of being able to take days off when we want to & working on our own time frame. I will miss teaching him about Jesus through all different parts of school (not that I’ll stop doing that, but it’ll be different). I will miss having Benjamin at home & I’m sure there’ll be new struggles for him as he adjusts, but I’m excited to see him make friends & share his love for Jesus. I’m excited for him to have the opportunity to do so many of the classes that I couldn’t offer him.

Previously when I had suggested the idea of going to school someday to Benjamin he had been adamantly against it. I was never really sure the reason, but once we had made this decision, I was nervous about how he would respond. I should have known that God gave me peace for a reason...because it was HIS plan & HE was working it out! Anyway, we decided to make it an exciting thing for Benjamin by taking him out for ice cream to talk about it. We dropped the younger 2 off at my parents & headed into town. Benjamin knew we were having a meeting but he didn’t know about what. We got our ice cream & sat down & told him the news. His first reaction was that he didn’t want to, but almost immediately when Ben started explaining the benefits to him, changed his mind. I know it’ll be an adjustment for him, but he’s super excited...which in turn gives me an extra measure of peaceJ.

I’m so thankful for the peace that God gave me about this decision. I pray that as we prepare Benjamin to take on this new adventure, that He would give us wisdom. I pray that Benjamin would adjust well, be able to make good friends quickly, & be confident in who he is in Christ.