Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Realizations...never ending learning

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have been reminded again & again that I will never get it all right…that I will always be learning…often times the same thing over & over! I read something today that was very profound to me…not because I’ve never heard it before, but because it’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about, struggling with, praying about, & striving for in the last few months.

“Clearly , God intended for the marriage relationship to be the most intimate and significant. However, he did not intend for it to be the only relationship.”

I finally clued in to my own emotions a couple of weeks ago, realizing that I had become dependent on Ben to fulfill all of my needs. This of course resulted in frustration as it is not possible for him to ever meet all my needs…that’s not the way God made him! I have been attempting to retrain my brain…reminding myself that Ben can’t be everything for me…but my Heavenly Father can! I know that part of the reason I’ve been struggling with this is because my 2 closest friends moved away within 2 months of each other at the end of 2008. I don’t have near the opportunity to talk to either one & I’ve really missed that! When they moved I suddenly started expecting Ben to have longer, deeper conversations…trying to fill that gap. I’ve realized now (something I knew before, but has become real again) that it is so important for me to have those girlfriends. Thus brings struggle #2…how do I just go out & quick make a new friend who I can share my heart with (without feeling like I’m replacing those friends)…and what do I do to fill that gap in the meantime?

“The strength and resolve of a godly wife comes through one thing: she depends on her Heavenly Father to meet her deepest needs.” That sentence feels like a lifeline to me right now…I know I desperately want to grab on & not let go…but there are days when I feel like it’s slipping through my fingers. I know it will be a constant learning process…but that’s what I’m aiming for…complete dependence on my Papa in heaven…not on Ben. Don’t get me wrong…I love Ben with all my heart & I know that God will use him to fulfill many of those needs in my life…but I can’t expect him to be there for me 24/7 physically, mentally, emotionally, & spiritually…only God can do that!

A dear friend once told me…actually has reminded me a couple of times because I forget so easilyJ…that “it is not my job to improve & fix my mistakes. I simply cannot do that on my own! It is only by His grace that I improve & only then is He given the glory. It is an insult to Him for me to strive so hard to be a good child of God.” When I first read that I thought it sounded for strange…but the more I have thought about it, the more sense it makes. God just wants me to give my heart to Him & allow Him to work in & through me. I can’t do it on my own anyway…and when I keep trying to do it on my own, I’m saying by my actions, that no I won’t let God work in me. That doesn’t mean I just sit down & not do anything about it…but it does mean I shouldn’t be stressing about it, but rather continually giving it to Him & allowing Him to lead me.

This paragraph sums it all up for me. “Ultimately, it is not a prince on a white horse who will rescue a woman from her pain, depression, and anxiety. It is a loving God who is the Savior. He knows the needs that He has created within each woman. Only He holds the key to meeting her deepest needs for intimacy, security, & worth. He may choose to meet many of those needs through her husband. The Lord will meet the needs of those who seek Him. He will reward the righteousness of a woman who depends upon Him.

Wow Lord. I’m so glad you haven’t given up on me! Feels sometimes like I can’t ever get my life figured out. Thank you Jesus that I can trust you to meet my needs. Please help me to trust you fully with that…each & every day! Teach me to depend on You…and help me to glorify You through all that I am. Thank you Jesus for loving me no matter what!

2 comments:

Cheri said...

Thanks so much for sharing that Heidi! I think all of us women need that reminder from time to time! I am so glad that Ben has a wife who is willing to learn and change! You are a beautiful women inside and out and my brother is very lucky to have a woman like you! Love you!

Beckie & Trevor Muirhead said...

Great entry Heidi... I struggle with the very same thing and always have.... Expecting Trev to be everything for me. Thank you for your honesty and for the reminder.
Love you!