Struggle & encouragement

For those of you who read my blog & have wished I’d post more, it’s your lucky day...you get 2 blogs in one dayJ.  This spring has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  With only one basement so far in 2011...we’ve been relying heavily on finding other work to try & pay the bills.  The key word here is try.  God has provided work for us in numerous ways.  We’ve also had numerous weeks with no work.  The combination of less work, working by the hour, & still being behind from last year because of the economy, has felt like a slow death.  It hits me in waves.  Some days I don’t think about it much & feel peace about it.  Other days I feel like I’m drowning.  Discouragement & hopelessness overwhelms me & I struggle to breathe.  I have been extremely thankful for friends who have helped hold me up on those days.  We definitely appreciate your prayers if God lays us on your heart.

Yesterday afternoon I was listening to music & when this song came on I couldn’t stop the tears from running down my cheeks.  I think it was God speaking directly to me & I just had to share itJ. 

Believe Me Now

Steven Curtis Chapman

I watch you looking out across the raging water
So sure your only hope lies on the other side
You hear the enemy that's closing in around you
And I know that you don't have the strength to fight
But do you have the faith to stand and...

Believe Me now
Believe Me here
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe Me now
Believe Me now

I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean
I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead
And I've loved you long before I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you're feeling now
But do you remember who I am?
Do you..

Believe Me now
Believe Me here
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you
And I am for you

So believe Me now
Believe it's true

I never have, I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe Me now 

I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure
My words are true, and all My promises are sure
So believe Me now
Oh, believe Me now

A side note...I believe this has been more of a struggle for me since I’ve started doing Lent with the kids.  A month ago I still had days when I struggled, but nothing like what it’s been lately.  I fully believe that Satan is not happy about us drawing closer to God & he’s doing whatever he can to stop it! 

A Tuesday with Heidi!

I'm thankful for…kids who want to learn more about Jesus & follow Him! They all go through their phases…but they’ve all had their times of saying things out of the blue that just blow me away & it’s so cool!!! I love being able to catch a glimpse of how God is working in their lives! I’m also extremely thankful that my parents are home safe from the Dominican Republic!

I'm listening to…silence…Ben watching the replay of the Oilers game after he got home from hockey.

What’s happening with the kids? Well, Benjamin has a lot going on right now. The last couple weeks he’s had a bit more homework as they are doing a unit about knights & castles. Next week is going to be crazy. Knights & castles homework…spelling…show & share…potluck & he has to bring a food dish from Peru…plus he has to finish his science fair project that he started yesterday (I know, I know…we’ve been running off our feet & I suddenly realized it was next week & he really wants to do it…). Wouldn’t be quite so overwhelming if we had each day between now & then to work on it all…but Ben & I are gone from early, early Friday morning till Sunday evening (more on that later)…plus 2 of those nights he has environment club & one he has Kid’s Rock! Ahhhhhh! Calm down…breathe…ok…we can do thisJ. Manda is thrilled to be back in gymnastics. She loves helping me whenever she can & gets very disappointed if she offers & there’s nothing she can do. I’m learning (slowly) to find little ways to involve her & make her feel special. She loves doing girl things with Mommy whenever possible as well. Most days her & Kirby get along like a charm…some days not so muchJ. It seems like it’s one extreme or the other with them. One day they play nicely together all day long…the next they’re constantly picking at each other…bugging…etc. Kirby has grown up so much lately. He is learning to control his anger & find different ways to express it. Some of the thoughts that have come out of his mouth lately have just blown me away. Kirby is LOVING hockey & is always disappointed if he has to miss a practice.

What’s new with Ben & I? Well, like I hinted, we get to go away this weekend! Ben & I are going to the Breakforth Conference in Edmonton this weekend for the first time. When I was first teaching Sunday School there was a conference in Calgary called TRAIN. I loved going every year to be refreshed, get new ideas & learn from others who had been there. Well, I haven’t been there for a few years now & have missed it. Breakforth is very similar, but on a MUCH larger scale. I get to go to an all day session with Tim Kimmel whose book I’ve been reading (Grace Based Parenting)…Newsboys concert…various seminars Saturday & Sunday…Phil Keagy concert (Ben’s super excited about that). Anyways…I’m really looking forward to hanging out with my hubby for the weekend (even though we’ll be in different sessions)…being refreshed…getting new ideas…and just spending time with the Lord.

We haven’t had much work since Christmas, but have started a couple of insurance jobs that we got from the storm this summer. We’ve been very grateful for that. Last week there was a delay with that & we didn’t know if we’d have work this week. Well, yesterday Ben got a call back about a quote he’d done…and today he poured a footing! First basement of the new yearJ. Thank you Lord!! We’re also very thankful that we were able to get some bank work figured out that will relieve some pressure & get us on our way to being debt free!! Although it’s a ways away yet, that’ll be a joyous dayJ.

What’s happening around the house? Dirtiness…well…I’m just being honest… It’s been driving me crazy…to many messes & piles that I can’t ever seem to catch up to. I guess it’s just low on the priority list right now…which is probably right…but it still makes it harder for me to get motivated to do other things sometimes. Someday…

What's happening in my kitchen? Nothing...no that’s not true…taco saladJ. I’ve been a horrible wife & mother…we’ve had a lot of thrown together, easy meals lately…veggies, bread with honey, avocado wrap, scrambled eggs, fruit, cheese sticks… I have made taco salad though…twice in the last week (second time was leftovers)…and I’m making it again tomorrow! In our house the birthday boy (or girl) gets to choose supper on their birthday…well Kirby picked taco saladJ. I really want to bake some cookies & muffins to get in the freezer…it’s been a REALLY long time (other than a few Christmas goodies). Ah well…someday…

I am missing…slouching…NOT! Ever since Ben put his ribs out back before Christmas he’s been going to the chiropractor regularly to get it all straightened out. The goal is to get him to a point where he can go once a month & stay healthy instead of waiting till his back is horrible. Well, I got motivated to go too (wish I’d done it when Alberta Health Care still covered part!!) After I’d been a few times the chiro commented to me that I was standing a lot straighter. I’ve always known I slouched…but it hurt so much to stand up straight…now I realized that it had felt good to stand up straight & hurt to slouch so I was standing straight automatically! It may seem silly, but this is a big deal for me. This has bothered me since I was in high school but I didn’t know that I could do much about it. I was thrilledJ. I’ve even figured out that “one cheek sitting” is what was putting my hips out. Now if I could just figure out what’s putting my neck out & how to change it…that’s the only part that’s still bothering me!

I am praying for…wisdom as we strive to spend money wisely & be good stewards of what God has given us. I’m also praying for a little boy named Isaiah May whose parents are fighting for his life right now (see my last blog post).

What’s God been doing in my heart? My sister Katrina gave me an audio book for Christmas that I’ve wanted for a long time…The Five Love Languages of Children. If you haven’t read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman I would HIGHLY recommend it. It gave me so much insight into why I am the way I am…what makes me feel loved & how I love others. I’ve been super excited to read the one about kids. Since I hardly ever have time to sit & read…but I do quite a bit of driving…I have really started enjoying audio books. Anyway…I’ve been working at figuring out the kids’ love languages. I’ll give you a very brief overview of my thoughts…note that this will not do the book justice…I’m just spitting out thoughtsJ.

Benjamin’s primary love language is quality time…I’m sure of it. It makes so much sense. We’ve been having issues with his behavior since he started school. He went from spending all day every day with me with way more opportunity for quality time…to being gone for 7 hours in a day & having everything go, go, go once he gets home. It’s no wonder he has started acting out…he needs that attention back.

For Amanda I’m torn…I think it’s either words of affirmation or acts of service. It means so much to her when positive things are said to her…but that’s not really how she shows love (which is usually a sign of what your love language is). She loves to help me fold laundry, make supper, etc...and got so excited when Ben built a “swing” for her doll…which makes me think it might be acts of service.

Kirby has got to be physical touch…but words of affirmation is right up there for him too. Hugs, kisses & cuddles are so important to him…but he’s also very good at giving positive comments to others. I find his love tank the easiest to fill because he so often comes to me for hugs, kisses & cuddles. I’m just going to start the chapter about how to determine your child’s love language (hopefully when we’re driving this weekend) so I’ll keep you posted if I learn moreJ. I’m already finding that I’m more conscious of what little times I can use to fill their love tanks.

Thank you Lord for work

So, Ben & I have been talking about how last year, we had so much work that we started to just take it for granted that there would be work the next day, week, month. Right now it’s easy to be thankful for each job because we’re just hanging on financially, but what if in a month or 2 or 3 we have tons of work again…or maybe not tons, but steady work…will we be as thankful for that phone call? We want to make sure we acknowledge & give God the praise for work…now & when work speeds up. With that said, this is my first installment of “Thank you Lord for work”. Don’t get worried…I’m not going to post every time we get a job & bore you with that…but I want to make a point in the next months, year…to remember what this was like to not have work & give God the glory for the work we have.

Some of you know that last weekend we were waiting to hear back about a possible job. We were supposed to hear on Friday, then on Sunday…Monday we still hadn’t heard. Neither Ben or I had our hopes up for that job, but that was the only possible job we had so we kept praying. On Sunday someone at our church talked to Ben about helping him out with a basement. At the time we understood that he just wanted a hand for a few hours…a couple of days maybe. Although we wouldn’t complain about any work, ideally we wanted to do a basement. Anyways…Ben met with him on Wednesday to help set up to dig & founds out that actually we have the contract for the job! Ben got home to tell me that & within a few hours we had gotten a call about the other job too…we didn’t get it. I’m so thankful for this new job that “came out of the woodwork”. I’m also thankful that God allowed us to find out about that one first before we found out we didn’t get the other one. I was so down last week & really didn’t want to go there again. Thank you Jesus for showing us once again that You will take care of us!

Struggling...

I’m struggling not to worry & would appreciate your prayers…

I just found out that the hourly work that Ben has had this winter is coming to an end. We knew this work wouldn’t last forever & have been truly blessed to have it. We’re at a point now where we have less than a week of work left & nothing else lined up. To make it through this winter paying business bills we have exhausted virtually all of our back up. I have come to the conclusion that in this time of economic uncertainty, being self employed is not fun. Not only can we not claim EI to at least get a little income, but we have all the business bills on top of regular personal bills. So what do we do? Drop the business & get a desk job? Ben is trained in construction, not office work…& the whole construction industry is taking a hit. We have no choice but to trust…but that doesn’t make it any easier! It takes an extra measure of faith, that right now I don’t feel like I have.

What’s your plan now Lord? Please help me to trust you. Help me not to forget like the Israelites did, what you’ve done for us in the past & how you’ve provided for us in the past. I am reminded of the night last year that Ben left work in Your hands…praying that we would wake up in the morning & have work. It was so fun to get that phone call at 8:00 the next morning with work to start that day! I know you CAN do that Lord…but the human in me doubts & worries “what if You don’t this time”…yet I know that even if You choose not to work in that way this time, You will still take care of us. Please Jesus, take away my unbelief & replace it with Your peace that surpasses all understanding. Guide us in knowing what steps to take. Unite us as a couple and as a family. I pray that you would bring us closer together through this. Most of all help us to honor you & give all the glory to You as You provide for us each & every day.

Excitement...and frustration...

It’s been a rollercoaster couple of weeks! I’ve been really excitedabout next week. This week is our last full week of school before we break for Christmas. Next week we’ll do a few odds & ends, but it’ll be slowing down & starting to do fun stuff…baking, crafts, etc.

Then 2 days ago Ben’s truck died…well, not totally, but he couldn’t pull a trailer with it or he would have blown the transmission. When you do concrete for a living & can’t pull a trailer it may as well have died. Anyways, he got an appointment for it in Red Deer yesterday morning at 8am, hoping they’d be able to rebuild the transfer case ($1000-$2000) & save us having to buy a new one ($2500). So we all headed out bright & early so he could drop off the truck. We thought we should make the best of the trip so we stayed the day to finish up some Christmas shopping & get some groceries. We pulled up to the house last night a couple minutes before 6…Ben jumped out & the kids & I went straight to the church for Kid Connection…we didn’t get home till 9…7am-9pm…it was a long day! I was excited though because this was the last Kid Connection till January 14. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it, but it’ll be nice to have a breakJ

To add to the stress, Ben & I have been fighting colds off & on for about a week & a half now. We’ll feel fine for a while & then all of a sudden feel miserable. Well, by the end of the day yesterday I felt miserable. I was overtired & singing at Kid Connection killed my throat. I woke up this morning feeling not much better, but got a bit better as the morning wore on.

My sister has started coming once a week to help me clean house…well, not so much to help me clean, but to help me teach the kids to clean. Those of you who have 3 or more kids, know that it’s very hard to instruct & keep 3 kids busy all at once! I think it’s really important for the kids to learn to help around the house, but if I can only teach one at a time then the other 2 are already off making a mess. We’ve got a really good system down & I’m loving it! The kids are figuring out their jobs…they’re having fun…and my house is getting clean! All that was to say that I cleaned house with my sister & the kids this morningJ

After feeding the kids a late lunch we headed out to pick up Ben from the job & go pick up his truck. Here’s where it got extra stressful. We’d already found out that no they couldn’t rebuild the transfer case…it would be nearly $2800…I was dealing with that. Then we found out that there had been a mistake in a bill that we wrote to a customer & now we might not get the money till end of next week. Problem…payday is Monday…that money was supposed to cover payroll. Definitely forcing me to say, “OK Lord, I don’t know how we’ll do this, but I know I just have to trust you”. Feeling better now…still don’t know how it’ll work out but God doesJ

Well, I feel like I just wrote a very hodge podge complaint book to you…I really didn’t mean it that way at all…I debated not posting it, but the whole reason I wrote is to give you a little window into our lives. So I will post this…and trust that you won’t think I’m a pessimistic whinerJ I am learning (slowly it seems) to give all my worries to God. My worrying isn’t going to change it any (except make it more stressful), so I may as well lower my blood pressure & leave it in his hands! Someday maybe I’ll learn to do that before I even start worrying about itJ